I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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