Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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