im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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