Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?