Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
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I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
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She needs sedatives and a leash
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.