Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
