I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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