First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.