This girl is more easily done than said...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
