So drunk its hurt
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.