and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize