Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
