Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
