im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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