Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
