remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
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I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
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I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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