I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
