Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
