I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize