meet me or not, i'm out of control
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
