Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
