You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
