you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
