Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
