Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
