just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
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His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
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I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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