this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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