i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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