i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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