does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
