you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant