Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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