I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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