I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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