happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
