i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
