my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
