I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You made out with two different species that night
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
