She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
