Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Boobs speak an international language.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.