Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
