I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Randomize
