y did u give ur computer a hand job?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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