You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
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You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
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I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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