I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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