Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
