I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
