One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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