is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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