Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i love accidental penises.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
