If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
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He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
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Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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