my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
