I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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