literally had 100 drinks last night.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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