the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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