Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
