obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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