WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona