Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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